Post by irishstick on Jan 9, 2009 18:22:14 GMT 1
A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly an aircraft...
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I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi , what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your
mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar*e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut''
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What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'
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A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
**************************************************
Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?
Everybody won.
**************************************************
What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
**************************************************
Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly an aircraft...
**************************************************
I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
'Oi , what's your disability?'
I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'
**************************************************
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your
mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my ar*e?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
**************************************************
I said to the wife, 'I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut''
**************************************************
What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.
**************************************************
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan!'
**************************************************
**************************************************
A man says to his wife 'tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time'.
His wife replies 'You've got a bigger knob than your brother'
hehe i like